Back to the East Coast
Los Angeles was fun, but it's over.
I learned a lot about myself in my move to Los Angeles. One of those things being that timing really is everything. If you really think about the big moments in your life - think about the timing of it all. How that moment would be completely different if any of the circumstance surrounding it was changed ever so slightly.
Don't get me wrong, I love Los Angeles. I equate it to a purple haze in that LA has you feeling so good, and important, and busy. There's so much to see and do and so many kinds of people to meet and work with. It's laid back, and everyone seems to be finding their way.
It makes you feel cool to be doing anything there.
But that being said, when you feel like that it's super hard to face some harsh realities. For me that reality was the money. I was doing jobs I loved, and meeting people I never thought I would. Trying things I only ever dreamed of trying, but no matter what I did, or who I spoke to one thing was or certain - I never had enough to pay my bills and I was running out of reserves.
Most people have a hard time admitting that. Most people will sit and say 'I'll make it work'. But I knew how I wanted my life to function, and I knew how I wanted the money I made to funnel through my life. In LA it is SUPER NORMAL to use about 90% of all the money you make in a month on your living expense. Not much room to save there...or have fun. That percentage was not an option for me. At 25 I was not comfortable in getting into the habit of that way of managing my money.
Just short of moving to LA for my business - my partner pulled out - and to be honest I don't have a very good grasp as to why that happened or why it happened the way it did. All I knew was all of a sudden I was in the biggest city in the country - alone - and with out my business I was 50/50 partners in. So I had to adapt - or make something happen.
I didn't make something happen. I told myself I'd give myself the year to make something work - and I can argue I made a lot work but nothing lucrative came to be. And I needed it to - badly. So instead of staying on a drowning ship - I packed all my things and spent the rest of the money I had [and didn't have] on moving back home.
So I failed. I failed at owning a business. That doesn't feel good, but it's not as bad as it sounds. At least I tried. At least I took the risk.
It's hard being back in Michigan - where my family lives - but I didn't grow up in.
After spending about 2 years being my own boss freelance and in building Damaged Kids, now that it's done I realize I yern for more structure... I didn't really understand that untill I was just recently asked in an interview. I like taking on freelance projects, and drawing but on my own time. I've really come to appreciate showing up somewhere every day and just being in that space to achieve what I need to get done.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE a good adventure, but at 25, and seeing family members get sick and pass away, I realize I need to really start planning for my future more seriously.
I've had a lot of people I respect, and who know more than me tell me "Don't let life get in your way"
and as I grown older it becomes more and more clear what that means. I will strive to work in a creative field. I will strive for my talents to be utilized, and I will strive to create the space and opportunities I wish to be apart of. Because when you're a creative person you don't just create your art - you must create your space in this world and you must create your own opportunities - as it is a much more abstract path. In doing that no matter how many times you hear 'no' you just have to keep trying. You can't let bills, taxes, Donald Trump or anything in life stop you.
I know that this whole entry seems to be about exactly how life has gotten in my way. I assure you this is not the case.
It's taking time to re build - I am in no rush to find my bearings, though I want to find them badly. Healing takes time . Coming home is it's on version of healing after failing and I'm finding my way back up off the ground right now and that's ok.
In my Los Angeles adventure I learned the value of my talent, the strength with in my self to adapt on the fly and survive, I built even more respect and confidence in myself as well as learn that I'm ready to grow up a bit and become more sustainable and maybe take root somewhere vs bouncing place to place to find my place.
I must decide to create my place - not go discover it out in the world.
I look forward to this new way of creating, because I am finally ready.